A new no-talent Internet star is born

There's no better time to be an average Joe than today.

Seriously, if you are an average American who is obsessed with fame and achieving it to some degree, this is the perfect era in which to live. If you want to show the world how stupid you are by actually thinking you could have pulled off that rail, all you need to do is post a video on YouTube.com, and it will be viewed by millions. If you’ve always wanted to eat dead insects, live in a house with total strangers in some random locale, fill your car with all kinds of superfluous gadgets, or have the whole world know that you have a giant clock fetish, then the reality show is the way to go. Or if you want to become a pop superstar — the next Britney Spears with your hair still intact — all you need is a guitar, a song and a dream (talent isn’t required in the slightest), and you can post your music on sites like Myspace.com and YouTube.com for all the world to listen to. This is exactly what Adam ‘Tay Zonday’ Bahner did with his song “Chocolate Rain,” and he in turn has created a national phenomenon that no one can escape.

With a synth riff that only a child of the 80s could love (and hasn’t been heard in the mainstream since Soft Cell ruled the airwaves) and a voice that sounds like James Earl Jones before hitting puberty, Bahner has managed to create a pop phenomenon that makes one long for the days when “No Strings Attached” was No. 1 on the charts. On top an old-school arrangement that screams for a Michael Ian Black quip, Baher himself sounds like a broken record, singing lyrics that try their damnedest to sound substantial, but come off as a slight commentary on today’s society. Take, for instance, the very first line:

“Chocolate rain / some stay dry and others feel the pain.”

Seriously, it would be impossible for one to feel pain from chocolate rain. Why? Because it’s chocolate rain. If I found out it were raining chocolate rain, I would be standing in it, trying to drink as much of it as possible. Unless Baher is talking about after the fact, once everyone gains 50 pounds from drinking all the chocolate rain. Or he’s trying to see this through the eye of a diabetic, in which case it would seem like the end of the world (the “achocolypse,” if you will). Or how about this golden refrain:

“Chocolate rain / history quickly crashing through your veins.”

I’m sorry, but nothing, not even chocolate rain, could make history crash through my veins. If anything, all of my history classes have the same effects as a good tranquilizer; once it’s in your system, you’re pretty much out like a light for the next 40 minutes.

(I move away from my computer to catch some air before finishing my post.)

So in the end, what we have is a noble attempt at a song that, before the age of the World Wide Web, wouldn’t have found a place on any TV show, let alone Best Week Ever. And yet thanks to the glory of YouTube.com, millions have watched it, everyone from John Mayer to Tre Cool has covered it, and Baher even performed it on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” (to the bewilderment of many in the audience). Chalk it up to being a case of the William Hung Effect: guy posts song on Web, people think it’s funny, they send it to their friends going “check this out. This dude is making a total ass out of himself!” and it spreads like wildfire. There might be some sympathy to it, but overall it’s a case of people taking pleasure out of one’s lack of talent. Now I have to give the guy an A for effort; he has created a song that has become an inescapable pop culture phenomenon, and he does seem to be rather humbled by the song’s success. Let’s just hope there’s someone telling him, “Don’t quit your day job. Oh, and they’re laughing at you, not with you.”

— Jason Shoff